I’ve always been calm and collected, enjoying my own space and company the majority of the time.
In school I always wanted to make friends, so I spent a lot of time observing people and questioning their traits, wondering why people are way more confident than others and why there are pupils who consistently get top grades whereas others don’t. Why can’t I be confident too? Academically smart? Or even both? Is it the system? Or am I just not capable? I notice even today; many people ask the same questions I did. You can say that all of this falls under the umbrella of imposter syndrome which is completely normal to feel and rather very common. It’s not that you’re not capable, I think it’s the fact that we are undermining our abilities and we haven’t explored ourselves enough.
I’ve grown to realise and accept that everyone has their own journeys/phases in life. As of now, I’ve taken the back seat, stopped observing people and began to focus more on my own qualities. What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses? What topics make you angry, sad, happy, passionate? What do you love? Where do you feel most safe? My answers change every now and then when I do a ‘Vivian Check Up’ and I think that’s okay. It’s important to ask yourself these questions every now and then, so that you can be confident in your own abilities and values.
These questions first became more apparent to me when I had to choose my GCSE subjects. They were very difficult to answer because I just… didn’t know. I noticed how easy it was to brush these questions off on a daily basis. Since I was forced into this type of situation where I had to make a decision, I spent a lot of time reflecting on them towards the deadline. Of course, I didn’t do this all alone. I spoke to my teachers, my parents, searched up forums online, weighed pros and cons and discovered my interest in computer science. I chose computer science because I eventually recognised that I spent a lot of time on computers and watching futuristic tv shows like Sarah jane adventures and doctor who. I decided that it may be a good idea to study something I interact with every day and genuinely have an interest in.
In order to study this is Sixth form I was required to at least pass the subject at GCSE. As I previously stated I was struggling to pass a lot of my subjects at the time. However, the recent discovery for my interest in computer science was a main motivating factor for why I wanted to push harder. Looking back I feel like if I didn’t put the effort in to get to know myself better, I would have felt so much pressure to ‘just pass’ without any reason. This type of attitude could have even resulted to me resenting the education system and doubting my capabilities.
Having to at least pass computer science and English gave me a sense of urgency. Something that made me feel like I had to practice mock papers everyday leading up to my exams, go crazy with revision, and be extremely transparent with what I know and don’t know. This made me also change my attitude in terms of the following:
As a result of this hard work I passed my exams and was fortunate enough get into sixth form where they introduced apprenticeships to me. It proved a huge point to me that being hungry for a goal makes being disciplined so much easier and actually enjoyable, not forgetting rewarding!
Of course, this isn’t a revision tips guide, but it is this attitude that I now practice on a daily with my goals that showed my employer that I want a degree apprenticeship. I’m not the smartest or the best coder out there but I am absolutely trying everyday to be one, one day. So, if you can, go out of your way to discover yourself and your goal in your own way.
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